Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
