I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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