Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Randomize
