9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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