I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
