Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
