You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
