I CAN MOONWALK!
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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