FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
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