you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
