Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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