a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
