I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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