Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
