Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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