I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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