Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
