we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize