Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
