have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I stole a fireplace last night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
