Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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