I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
