At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
