I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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