So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
