if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
