I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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