Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
