2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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