stop calling my apartment porn island.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
