His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
