Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
