conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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