So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
