did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
someone owes me an orgasm
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
