eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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