If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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