and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
