I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
