Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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