bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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