she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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