It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
