Umm I'm too high to move.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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