just come out here and I will go home with you...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize