mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
