TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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