why im i the only drunk person in the library?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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