i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize