Where are you?
In a non slutty way
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
