my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
