She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
