I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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