there's paper in my vomit.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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