sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
