Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
