Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
