Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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