Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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