we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Found your dick twin last night
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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